How to End Thanksgiving Over a Toilet Bowl

turkey

To be fair, I’ve never, to my knowledge, gotten sick from Thanksgiving dinner. However, it is entirely possible to become literally ill from Thanksgiving dinner. People have even died. So if you’re looking for a cheery way to end Thanksgiving, here’s how:

  • Wash your bird in the sink.*
  • Use the same cutting boards for everything.**
    • Bonus points for using wood cutting boards for raw meat.
  • Don’t wash your hands after handling raw poultry
  • Cook a half-thawed bird based on time alone w/out a food thermometer
  • Thaw your bird on the kitchen counter
  • Eat raw cookie dough
    • bonus points if you leave it sitting out for multiple hours
    • bonus, bonus points if you are over 65, under 6, pregnant, or immunocompromised
  • Don’t use a meat thermometer to check your bird for doneness. Golden brown is good enough.***
  • Leave the bird full of stuffing as it cools****
  • Leave your leftovers out on the counter for >2 hours after cooking
    • Bonus points for all day or overnight.

********

Ok, in all seriousness, please don’t do any of these things. Meat thermometers are under $10 at Walmart or most grocery stores. A new plastic breadboard for poultry is also pretty cheap and can be marked POULTRY ONLY using a permanent marker (glass is also fine). On this note, Happy Thanksgiving (if you’re in the US), and happy cooking!

 

 

*This is a great way to spread foodborne bacteria onto your salad greens as Salmonella and Campylobacter are happy inhabitants of poultry.

**Washing (and even bleaching) the cutting boards between poultry and veggies or bread isn’t very effective. Also, wood is considered non-sanitizable because it is so porous.

***Recommended safe temperatures vary, but the absolute minimum is >165F in the thickest part of the breast, the inner wing/thigh, and the center of stuffing.

****If you didn’t actually kill all the Salmonella this is the perfect growth environment for them…

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